


Mysterion Must Die

by forzaa



Category: South Park
Genre: Eric Cartman Being Eric Cartman, F/M, M/M, South Park: The Fractured But Whole, as always, idk why i'm doing this, superhero stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-01-24 06:20:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18565675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forzaa/pseuds/forzaa
Summary: Cartman is convinced Kyle is Mysterion, and he's going to expose him for the menace he is.





	1. The Coon

The Coon stared down at the streets up from his perch on the roof of the local Walmart.

The town was quiet– for now.

He could feel a storm brewing. He could feel it in his balls.

It had all happened so fast. His quiet little mountain town had fallen pray to all kinds of criminal activity, and corruption had become the new watchword. The crime rate had gone up, stores were getting robbed on a nearly nightly basis, women were getting raped on every street corner, and he was sure there were now a few additional drug cartels to the one based in Kenny’s garage. But The Coon knew the worst was yet to come…

His city needed him.

A rattling sound made itself heard in the dead of the night. And a moment later, the guy wearing the gayest costume the Coon had ever seen was hauling himself up from the gutter and onto the roof, stumbling a bit before regaining his balance.

“Ah, Human Kite. Glad you finally decided to show up.” He spoke in the gravelly imitation of intimidation that was The Coon’s insanely cool superhero voice. “Punctuality is key to fighting crime, you know.”

“Yeah, well, some of us actually have another life to lead during daytime, Coon. And stuff to do,” his Superfriend answered in a much less convincing growl.

The Coon was the better person. He wouldn’t let himself get distracted over petty fights while the town was in danger.

“Did you see anything strange or out of order coming here?” He asked, deeply concerned with the town’s safety. “Any rapes, maybe?”

The Human Kite huffed. “No. I didn’t see anybody getting raped.”

“Cooperation is another crucial part of crime fighting, Human Kite.”

The Human Kite seemed to finally take his advice to heart and bit back the backtalk. Then again, he was probably rolling his eyes under his goggles. But The Coon ignored that possibility in favor of concentrating on the task at hand: protecting the town and its civilians. The only thing worthy of the brave hero’s attention.

“So, what’s this important business you called me out for? You said it was urgent matter.”

“It is, Human Kite.”

“Quit stalling, then. Just tell me what’s going on.”

“There’s a storm brewing.”

“Uh-huh. Be specific."

The Coon paused, not quite sure how to form his next words. He looked into the distance for inspiration.

“There’s word of a new vigilante, Human Kite.”

“Yeah, so? I watch the news too." The Human Kite was growing more agitated, impatient. "Is that all you dragged me out here for?”

“Do you not get what this means, Human Kite?” The Coon turned to his Superfriend. “If other people get inspired by Coon and Friend, thing could turn to chaos! Anyone who'd want to, could dress up and take to the streets to fight crime, and people could end up getting hurt! This new vigilante-”

"Mysterion." The Human Kite supplied.

"-is a menace!"

“And how is that, exactly?" The Human Kite asked, not understanding the simplicity of the reasoning The Coon had just exposed to him. "The only difference between what we do and what he does, is he actually gets good press for it.”

“Not all good! I read this article that agreed with me, it said he’s dangerous!”

"Whatever, Coon."

The Human Kite might not understand the gravity of the situation at hand, or the threat this new vigilante– Mysterion– posed, but The Coon would be damned if he let the asshole ruin this for him. The Coon saw right through his little games. And he wasn't going to give that damn jew the satisfaction.


	2. Kyle

Kyle was freezing his balls off for the second night in a row, and it was starting to piss him off.

He could barely put up with Cartman’s bullshit once a week without getting the strong urge to murder him, but this was getting ridiculous. When did the fat asshole plan on getting any sleep? Kyle had almost flunked that day’s math quiz because of Cartman’s stupid roleplaying games and self-interested hero complex. And now, the dumbass wanted to reiterate. If he didn’t have a damn good reason like he’d claimed, Kyle was going to beat him the hell up.

And yet here Kyle was, despite his distaste for putting up with Cartman’s bullshit games. And all of it because he had a complex of his own– he couldn’t stand by and watch while Cartman was doing stupid shit that could put people in danger, and no one else seemed interested in stopping him. So, Kyle had appointed himself the job of monitoring every single one of Eric Cartman’s actions. That, and because of the note Cartman had left for him in his locker – Kyle had to change the combination, again. The note had been… cryptic.

Cartman had never done something like that before – he’d never given Kyle any sign he knew who he was. And Kyle had always assume he didn’t know, because why would he be even remotely civil towards his rival if he did know who The Human Kite was, why would he accept to ‘fight crime’ (read: run around at night setting metaphorical trashcans on fire, and doing nothing useful but lose copious amounts of sleep) by his side?

It made no sense. And that was the main reason Kyle stood shivering and annoyed, and a little apprehensive: to understand Cartman’s. To understand why Cartman would send him notes instead of confronting him in person like he usually would; but then Cartman took the whole superhero-secret-identity thing pretty seriously, and Kyle still wondered how the fat tub of lard could be so delusional as to think anyone in their right mind could mistake the infamous Coon for anyone else other than him or an actual overweight talking racoon.

Kyle’s train of thoughts was interrupted by the sound of Cartman’s unceremonious landing on the rooftop.

Cartman stood up and glanced around, until his eyes met Kyle’s covered ones.

“Human Kite? What are you doing here?” He asked in his alter ego’s annoying rasp.

“You wanted to meet up tonight.” Kyle retorted. If this asshole thought he could get away with making Kyle lose sleep, he was sorely mistaken.

“The meet-up was yesterday, Human Kite.”

Kyle was about to let the flair of his temper be the spokesman of his good mood, when Cartman continued: “Well, I suppose it’s a good thing you showed up, anyway. I’m meeting up with Mysterion tonight. It could get ugly. I could need backup.”

Kyle had to take a moment to process that new piece of information – along with Cartman’s utter lack of any trace of a single braincell…

 

“O- Oooh…”

“What is it, Human Kite?”

“I mean… um…” Kyle cleared his throat to cover for the brief loss of his vigilante growl. “You know who he is? Um, Mysterion?”

“Of course I know who he is.”

“Well… who is he?”

“Kyle.” Cartman’s eyes went dark and his tone somber. “Kyle Broflovski.” Kyle’s last shred of a doubt vanished, and he was left wondering why he ever thought Cartman could see past his own narrative to see what was right in front of him.

“Yeah I… I know who Kyle is…” Kyle was having a hard time grasping the absolute ridiculousness of the situation.

“It’s always that filthy Jew.”

Well, now, Kyle felt kind of awkward.

“Well, um. How do you know it’s him?”

That cut Cartman off.

“What do you mean, Human Kite?”

“I mean, do you have any actual proof Kyle is Mysterion? People aren’t just gonna believe it if you don’t have any solid ground for the accusation…”

Cartman was silent for a moment, then his whole face lit up. And Kyle’s blood ran cold on instinct.

“That’s brilliant, Human Kite!”

“Wh- what’s brilliant?” Kyle stuttered, instantly regretting his words for whatever twisted idea they’d given Cartman.

“I’m going to prove Kyle is Mysterion! Then everyone’ll know that asshole is running in a gay fucking costume. And he’ll get arrested. You’re a genius, Human Kite!”

Kyle couldn’t actually believe it. He couldn’t fully process what he’d just done. He’d done the most dangerous thing a human being could possibly do. He’d given Eric Cartman an idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still getting accustomed to the English langage, so i hope my awful grammar doesn't burn anyone's eyes out :)  
> I don't like my characterisation of Kyle in this chapter, he's even harder to write than Cartman wow

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, buddy :D  
> the beginning's probably going to change a bit as the story goes on, but i hope y'all didn't find it too disappointing as it is. i just wanted it out there so i'll be forced to write this thing eventually.  
> feel free to point out any spelling errors and grammar mistakes u find, or any other stuff u might encounter, i'm open to constructive criticism :)


End file.
